Water Got No Enemy

Hey, I thought I'd tell the folks who liked the short story would want to check out the 21st Chapter of the book "Water Got No Enemy." I posted it here. hope you dig it and as always I am eager for commentary and conscious critiques.

Peace!

- C R T
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http://www.crtdot.com - music//yoga//blather///and more on a blog no one reads!
"you know, once you've been to fucking detox, the prospect of lolling around talking shit about post

This is going to be a very good story with a little more refinement. I look forward to reading any more stories you put out. Here are some comments.

I read the first bit of this story, and was drawn in. I wanted Wiley to get some gruesome revenge on the Progressor. When he brought the wonder-car tech back to the Progressor, I could have cared less--the Prog was just another monster in a world full of them. That's not a bad thing for that type of story but I don't know if you intended it.

The dialogue is fast and tight, except for some spots where he's verbally abusing the thin man. Examples: "Turn around, Popeye" "Put him in a fireman hold, you dummy." "Go South, Skinny!" If you're going for callous, desensitized youth, play it up. Otherwise, maybe be less flippant.

I disagree somewhat with hafoc: you should show some more, particularly to emphasize the brutality of the world (like the farmers getting killed for gas), but don't lose the story's focus.

How does Wiley eat if he never goes to the Store? And whatever happened to his mother?

Again, good story. I hope I wasn't too harsh because you should keep writing.

The writing is technically very good. No complaints there.

The characters are interesting. Their world is interesting. You have the heart of a good story.

I like it. There's the mindless comment you didn't want. :D

Problems-- please don't let me get you down. It is not my intent to hurt you or anyone.

You do a lot of exposition. Telling and not showing. What you show, mainly, is that the Progressor is a monster who mutilates little kids and then drafts them into his military. I don't think that's what you intended, but it's what shows most strongly.

The necessity the Progressor feels compels him is left to flashbacks, lectures about how the oil companies manipulated everything, put down alternate forms of energy. How the government started wars in Iran and Iraq to grab oil. How that made the world the hellhole it became. It's all told in, well, telling. This isn't as effective as showing and it doesn't have the same impact as showing.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing that you really want to convince people that oil-greed is a great evil and that the war in Iraq is wrong. If my opinion means anything to you, I think you're right. A statement of political convictions doesn't usually make a very compelling story, though.

It might make your point better to leave out a good bit of the detail. Instead, show a few small and local incidents that let your reader know the state of affairs without having to read the detailed explanation. That bit about farmers massacred because they might have had a gallon or two of gasoline hidden away-- that's good. You could work in an incident or two like that, show it happening, and people would know that this hell the world has become was the result of the collapse of the oil economy. Given that, they're smart enough to get the message that overdependance on oil is bad, wars to seize oil are bad, and so on. Your readers are smart. They'll figure it out.

I apologize for finding fault-- please, the writing really is good.

Traditionally tne short story is the peak of SF.
This one seems to me to have all the neccessary features of a good short, creates a world, brings characters to life, poses and solves a riddle. Excellent!