fate riddled damn things wriggle in the shadow
Submitted by jsogman on Fri, 02/23/2007 - 15:41.
land
down beneath the ceremony oni melt their plans together
so we wait in holy doomed unison
using the only oil we blessed for now
and save (or) the soiled oil we blessed for the future pewters b/c we know that in the evening we still have them to anoint.
Anouncing now to the moon:
in the realm of real meal spiders the minor offer is held open to the termites of the contract. (who hunger in cloistered rye)
Actually its really a good deal.
doom for the motion, or corpus for the bottle.
the judge just beamed and held us in contempt.
we paitiently awaited playing the feild in contemplation-
pentatonic stale.
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What's your goal?
What's your goal with this piece? What are you trying to communicate?
There's some good wordplay and interesting imagery, but there's no cohesion or overall theme to it. Also, even in poetry, you should spell properly and avoid shorthand (unless it somehow enhances and brings you to your goal).
Poetry can be extremely free-form, which makes it even more important to support your work with a strong idea, a conceit behind it. The format _demands_ it- otherwise it devolves into meaninglessness.
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Not Responsible
yr right t3knomanser
bogart pony rock and roll traffic violation simulations aaaaight?
-thanks for the commenty,
yr right-
it devolves quickly-
I love certain sounds and Im sure some of these images stick for about 1/2 a second but usually the images dont linger or grow into a coherent whole.
On the other hand-
If I had a goal- it would be for the reader to reread. My style is heavily based on expectation and lack there of for the concepts and wordsounds that I use, when added to combinations of the words if the reader uses their memory to re-edit the peice.
aidos , or adios.